Wow, it’s been a while. I was so excited back in January to “change the conversation” yet little did I know, deep subconscious beliefs would derail that change. The first two weeks in January started out so good. I felt really good and was proud of myself for doing little things that were changing the conversation with myself. A couple weeks back into the second semester of school, and “BAM” I’m derailed. To give a quick Reader’s Digest version, my kids attend a private University Model School. While my 10-year-old daughter fits in well and I fit in well with the mommas of kids in her grade, my 13-year-old is a different story. She and I have never fit in, from the beginning. We had a rough go when she was 9 during 4th grade. We switched days and kept her back a grade while her peers moved on. At the time it was okay, however, this year it caught up to us in a bad way. Where we didn’t quite fit in before, the second semester of 6th grade it became a glaring beacon that not only did we not fit in, we didn’t belong. She doesn’t belong with the kids, I don’t belong with the moms, and our family doesn’t belong with other families on these particular days. It was a lonely and painful semester for both of us. Little glimmers of hope were suddenly shot down with pictures of reality. Rather than change the conversation like I had been so determined to do was quickly derailed into the familiarity of pain and isolation, realizing the choice I made in that horrible moment was most likely a mistake. What kept me from the total darkness of depression was my 3rd-grade momma tribe and a handful of momma friends outside of the 3rd-grade (now 4th-grade) tribe. It was hard for me to change the conversation and even write when the reality of what was going on around me was affirming the subconscious beliefs so ingrained. Hurting myself, and seeing my child hurting, cut so deeply as I had been, it was all just too much.
Fast forward to July which just so happens to be my birthday month. All that we’ve been dealing with as a family, I came into age 43 the heaviest and most out of shape I have ever been in my life. I realized that due to the season of life we are in, things will only get more challenging and isolating as we navigate middle school so I can make a choice to deal with my stuff, support my daughter, and do something out of the box to get my body moving again. So the fun stuff, get my body moving again. Most fitness things I’ve tried, I hated mainly due to being self-conscious about how my body looks and the fact that I’m just plain out of shape. My friends are in really good shape and so fitness classes with them are very hard. Camp Gladiator, oh my word, I’m about to DIE! Zumba, oh is that me or a fat dying chicken I see in the mirror. Yoga, can’t get my body to go in that position. Pilates, excuse me I didn’t mean to pass gas. As you can imagine, I just stopped going. I would do some things here at the house by myself but it wasn’t consistent. Early morning on July 11th, the day after my 43rd birthday, I see a Facebook post about a new fitness studio that has opened up not too far from me. I was intrigued so I called the owner. I asked a bunch of questions, thought, “hmmmmm, the Greatest Showman was a good movie, what Zendaya was doing with the aerial acrobatics looks fun, my dad and Aunt Gale had an acrobatic act called the flying Vascellinis”, and alright, interest peaked. My best friend of over 18 years has been staying with me for the past week and I said to her, “Hey, let’s go look at this place and talk to the owner some more.” Texted another BFF and was like, “hey look at this, wanna try it?” Wednesday the three of us were signed up for an intro to aerial class. The owner, Allison, had informed us that most likely since this was a new class it might just be the three of us, what a relief for me.
Thursday evening we drive to the studio and behold it is just the three of us in class. We start on the hammock, my besties are ROCKIN’ it and I’m screaming in fear, lol. It took me three times spotted to get into the inverted frog pose. I did it! I was so happy. Then we moved to aerial silks. Zendaya did those in The Greatest Showman and it’s what you see on Instagram. Again my besties were AMAZING. I was having trouble getting off the floor, then she had us do the Russian Hold and I got an inch off the ground, success!!!! Then the Hoop, the class that I wanted to do. Again another thing that Zendaya did in The Greatest Showman which is what got my interest peaked in the studio. My two besties, amazeballs with the Hoop. Me, I could not get my leg into the hoop but laughed the entire time. What a fun and different workout. What a hard uncomfortable thing to do. When the class finished we all looked at each other and said, “let’s do the Aerial Yoga class on Saturday.” I was not as sore yesterday because I don’t have a lot of upper body or core strength and couldn’t fully do what they did. I wasn’t as sore as I thought I would be but I also didn’t die. I got over some mental blocks as well. That was huge for me. All day yesterday I was looking forward to today’s aerial yoga. We make it to class and there are two more ladies in the class. I thought to myself, we are all in this together. Class starts off with stretching in the aerial hammock. Then we start doing traditional yoga poses but with the assistance of an aerial hammock. Never have I gotten a hip stretch from pigeon pose like I did in the hammock. We also did inverted frog pose again, this time, not only did I not scream, I went right into it. Sadly though after hanging out there for a while, I threw up my protein shake. *Note don’t chug a protein shake, eat a lot, or take your supplements right before an aerial workout. When I came back to class, everyone was resting since it was toward the end. I ended up lying on a yoga mat rather than in the hammock since the hammock moves. When class was over, everyone was so supportive. One of the ladies told me to be sure and not eat anything before class. The instructor was so supportive and told me that I will get a little stronger each time I come. I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed I didn’t finish. This was such a fun workout and I could tell that my body was really working hard!
Will someone read this and judge me for doing circus inspired fitness? Totally. Will someone reading this feel that aerial fitness is absolutely inappropriate for a middle-aged Christian woman? Probably. I have found that not only is anything about it inappropriate, it is a fun and effective way to work out your body. You can get a better stretch using aerial silks than on your own. Flying while working out is a lot more fun. Mental blocks can be harder to overcome than physical blocks. Our bodies were created to move and that movement looks different for everyone. Some people will not approve of what you do no matter what it is. God created everyone unique so you be you and I’m gonna be me.
You can see from my face in the picture on the silks, I’m moving and having fun and that is all that matters. This picture was taken after I got off the floor for a couple of seconds.
I’m excited to see how much stronger I get. I’m also glad that I found an exercise regimen as quirky and random as I am. Yes at 43 I’m determined to change the conversation both consciously and subconsciously. I’m going to stop letting the fact that I’m overweight and out of shape stop me from doing something that looks fun. I will carry on The Flying Vascellinis even if it is a solo act.
This year I will start living by the following quote from an unknown author,”Tired of trying to cram her sparkly, star-shaped self into society’s beige square holes, she chose to embrace her ridiculous awesomeness and shine like the freaking supernova that she is.” One day you might see a new IG user with the name TheFlyingVascellini and that would be amazing.
I’m going to really work on writing more. I’m not sure what 7th grade has in store for us but I do know that rather than just getting by, I’m going to be having fun in the process. So look for more posts during the year to come. Here’s to 43!
Altitude Fitness is now open in Highland Village, TX. Call 940.441.5453 to talk to the owner Allison who is very helpful in answering all of your questions and any concerns.
blasting again as part of my recovery which is also very exciting. Blasting breaks up bound fascia in your body and promotes healing and recovery. I’m excited to be blasting again. Being nicer to myself is feeling good, sometimes odd, but good. I’m also learning that although I’ve always wanted to see quick external changes, it’s the changes I’m seeing on the inside that is what matters.
I don’t plan on blogging daily but yesterday I wrote a post because I was having a really bad day. Thank you for everyone who has been worried about me since the post last night. I’m very blessed to have people in my life who love me and my family. I decided to write a post today addressing that post and to help put any worry aside. Honestly yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in a while with self dialogue and what I saw looking back in the mirror. The self talk I’ve been having for a while hasn’t been super nice but hasn’t been down right cruel either. I’ve been doing a lot of healing and therapy for the last 5 years to deal with my stuff. I’m an advocate for dealing with your stuff and getting help when you need it. I’ve shared before that I suffer from body dysmorphia and had an eating disorder for years, lots of stuff comes with that. So this year, I’ve gotten down to the core of it all. Specialists in the field say, emotions and trauma and other stuff are layered. When you work to heal, you are actually peeling an onion. It’s like layers. I remember feeling, oh my gosh when will I get down to the core of this all. This is where I find myself. Now maybe it’s not the core of everything, we all have things, nothing will be totally all sorted out and 100% awesome this side of Heaven and I know that. I am at the root of my really big issue and the root is, my internal conversation is not nice. We can go down the spiritual aspects of that, which I do believe there are some, especially how I saw my Bulimia, but that is for another post.
Mimi who passed a couple of years ago. What a fabulous picture. I looked at it with fond memories and shared it to my wall. It’s a great picture and it is also a picture where I was a size 8 and I looked good. Now at the time, I was trying to work off the rest of the baby weight from Jenna, which wasn’t a lot but I thought I was really heavy here. I wasn’t thinking that today, just wow I really liked this picture and hey I looked good at 33. Then I got ready for the day. I put on a tank and maxi skirt because it is cold and I wanted to wear a cable knit duster because it was cold. I have this weird thing about too many layers on my arms so if I’m layering with a duster or jacket, I will wear something sleeveless. I looked in the mirror and like a loud-speaker, I heard the old conversation. “Oh my gosh your arms are disgusting.” “How can you even go out in public looking like that, how awful.”
e traditional New Year’s resolutions or goals. This year I will be 43. I made an interesting observation in a group chat today that at age 32, I was the smallest I’d ever been clocking in at a size 2 and very lean yet at age 42, I am the largest I’ve ever been clocking in at a full size 16 on the cusp of a size 18 and well lots of fluff. At 32 there were still lots of mental issues, you know, I’m disgusting I need to lose more, starving because I was eating around 300-500 calories a day, crazy exercising to the point of obsession and burning up my adrenals on a medication I’m not 100% sure I actually needed. I didn’t feel like I had worth. Now at 42, now in addition to the mental issues of oh my gosh, I’m so disgusting, starving myself out of real nutrition from foods that grow on trees and in the ground, I now tack on some physical health issues due to stress, lack of exercise, and quite frankly carrying around 60 pounds that my body would like me to release. Again, feeling as like I have no worth.
I had a occupational therapist tell me that my 12 year old is having the same conversation that I’ve been having since I was 12. Okay what do I do with this? I change the conversation and change it now. I didn’t really think about it until over New Years. How are my conversations with myself affecting my 12 year old’s conversations with herself? Not positively, I can tell you that for sure.
When you read those words do you read them in the late David Bowie’s voice? I know I do. How do you feel when you read the word change? I know I’ve been one who doesn’t like change but my life seems to be one of change. Those of you who know me, know that I love dragonflies. The Lord sent a dragonfly to me in a time of great trial in my life. It is said that the dragonfly represents change. How much I did not know the dragonfly would be the perfect “spirit insect” for me if you will. Most of you who had been following my blog know that I’ve put it on the back burner for a while. My last blog post was right before we listed our house for sale. In July 2015 we put the house we had been living for 12 years on the market. This was the house Jon and I moved into shortly after we were married. This was the house we had both of the girls in. We had so many beautiful memories in our house, but it was time that we move on. It was a great house, just not for us anymore. We took a leap of faith and put our house on the market. Within 72 hours we had a contract. There was a neighborhood we were going to build in but the day after the option period ended, our build fell through. Here we were now without a house. We rented an apartment and trusted the Lord would provide something for us. Two weeks after moving into the apartment, we found our perfect house. There was a few bumps but nothing bad and November 1, we moved into our new home. We were finally at peace after a crazy couple of months. Moving was quite the ordeal. We were still in the middle school and there was not a lot of settle time. That was okay though because we were home. Another change that happened shortly after the move was a change in direction of coaching. I loved coaching and I loved entertaining. I wanted to merge the two but soon realized that was not what I was supposed to do. I loved helping women feel better about themselves, but there was something else I felt I was supposed to do. I also felt myself going in a different way with essential oils. I love them and everything about them but my time as an essential oils educator was coming to a close as well. So I sat in limbo for a few months. What was I going to do? I prayed for something to come along. Something that I could call my own and make a car payment. See I’m going to need a new vehicle at some point and I really wanted to have my own business that will pay for it. Enter Agnes & Dora. Selling clothes was the last thing on my radar. I remember saying, “Lord with all of my body issues and the fact I hate pictures, you want me to sell clothes?” He said, “Yes I want you to sell clothes.” I listened and signed to onboard with Agnes & Dora. I had bought a few items and for the first time in a really long time realized I was feeling more confident about myself. When I got my inventory and started selling, I noticed another phenomenon, my friends were also feeling more confident. I’ve been selling Agnes & Dora for 9 months now and it has truly been life changing not only for me, but also for the women who have bought from me. I’m excited about this new journey that I am being taken on. I found my inner sparkle again and so have the women who have purchased Agnes & Dora.
your household? Keep the conversation going by commenting here or online on Facebook or Twitter. I wish all of you a safe and happy Independence Day. Let’s never forget why the Founding Fathers declared our nation’s independence July 4, 1776.
t love endures forever.” Growing up I learned that we must be grateful in all things and in all circumstances. It is a concept that I knew in my mind but it never really made it to my heart.
Take some time to go outside and soak in the abundance found in nature. The trees have an abundance of leaves, your lawn has an abundance of grass, the night sky has an abundance of stars. God created an infinite amount of abundance. Looking around and taking in nature is a wonderful way to bring the feeling of abundance into your life. Another way to bring in a feeling of abundance is a process or something I refer to as a helpful tool. If you are familiar with the Prosperity Game or Wallet Process found in the book Ask and It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks, today is a great day to start one of those processes. These two processes, or helpful tools as I also like to refer to them as, are great ways to bring about a feeling of abundance. The Wallet Process is my favorite of the two. I find that walking around with an actual $100 bill in my wallet, helps to keep me in an abundance mindset throughout the day.