I don’t plan on blogging daily but yesterday I wrote a post because I was having a really bad day. Thank you for everyone who has been worried about me since the post last night. I’m very blessed to have people in my life who love me and my family. I decided to write a post today addressing that post and to help put any worry aside. Honestly yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in a while with self dialogue and what I saw looking back in the mirror. The self talk I’ve been having for a while hasn’t been super nice but hasn’t been down right cruel either. I’ve been doing a lot of healing and therapy for the last 5 years to deal with my stuff. I’m an advocate for dealing with your stuff and getting help when you need it. I’ve shared before that I suffer from body dysmorphia and had an eating disorder for years, lots of stuff comes with that. So this year, I’ve gotten down to the core of it all. Specialists in the field say, emotions and trauma and other stuff are layered. When you work to heal, you are actually peeling an onion. It’s like layers. I remember feeling, oh my gosh when will I get down to the core of this all. This is where I find myself. Now maybe it’s not the core of everything, we all have things, nothing will be totally all sorted out and 100% awesome this side of Heaven and I know that. I am at the root of my really big issue and the root is, my internal conversation is not nice. We can go down the spiritual aspects of that, which I do believe there are some, especially how I saw my Bulimia, but that is for another post.

I let go of some things at the end of the year to really focus on my health and my family. Sometimes this has to happen so you can be laser focused. Letting those things go I decided to look internally and realized that I need to change the conversation with myself. This needs to be done for me, Jon, and the girls as it is not an inner dialogue I am interested in passing on. Here I am at NYE with my what do I want my word to be this year and the word is worthy. Okay, so I know in my head I’m worthy because John 3:16, God says I’m worthy. Do I really know this? Like deep down do I really know that I’m worthy? The answer is no. So I started thinking, why is that why do I not feel worthy?  My internal conversation, that is why I don’t feel worthy. This is not, I’m hearing voices in my head or aliens speaking, it’s about what I tell myself everyday. I was noticing that when I get down to it, I’m not very nice to myself. I made a decision to change the conversation right then and there. I made the smallest fitness goals I have ever made for New Years and didn’t even make any weight goals. I made the decision to make 2018 a year I regain my health and change the conversation I was having with myself.

Yesterday sucked, I had a bad day. Today, I didn’t get stuck there. This is why I’m changing that conversation because before, I would have been stuck there for at least a week. This morning I did lots of stretching that felt amazing. I did 6 1/2 push ups, held a plank for 45 seconds (that’s 15 more seconds than yesterday), and my knees are a bit creaky (I’m taking some thing for that) I did my 5 lunges on each side. Also today is amazing and I’m waiting for my Beats to charge up because I’m going for a walk. A run would be great but I’m not there yet, and that’s okay. I’m about to step out in leggings and a tank to exercise and my conversation today, “wow thanks for getting stronger that I can do 6 1/2 push ups and hold that plank for 45 seconds and thank you for wanting real foods that I know are on the path to health.” I’m so proud of myself for accomplishing what I did today and that is HUGE. It’s huge because although it wasn’t a lot, it was doable and I did it! I didn’t get stuck being mad at myself becuase I didn’t accomplish a lofty goal. I made progress in many areas and that in iteslf is a shift for me.

The picture below cracks me up and also pretty much sums up this journey I’m on. Change the conversation to celebrate the little victories now; not being where you want to be doesn’t mean it sucks and will get better only when you are where you want to be. You don’t lose your worthiness or progress because things weren’t great. It’s okay to have a bad day and say, “this really sucks”, just don’t stay there. Yesterday will not be my only bad day and today won’t be my only good day. Those of you who are following this journey, thanks for coming along. To my girls who will one day read this, don’t let yourself dull your sparkle and remember to shine on.